


It's Possible to Love and Hate At the Same Time

by MsYukari



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Drama, F/F, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Smut, There are mentions of the aftermath of rape but non graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 18:55:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11469636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsYukari/pseuds/MsYukari
Summary: A little oneshot between Joan and Kaz during the end of S4 episode 5. This was a fic that a friend of mine on FB wanted me to do. There are slight mentions of FreakyTits for Joan's thoughts, but this is definitely a Jaz oneshot.





	It's Possible to Love and Hate At the Same Time

Joan walked into Kaz's cell, listening to her reminiscence about the times she spent with her sexually abusive father. She couldn't relate to this particular aspect of abuse for she was never sexually abused by her father. However, she was physically, psychologically, emotionally, and verbally abused by him. So this much she could relate to with the psychological and emotional manipulation of parents who could scar a child. She too felt scarred by her own father, just like Kaz did. While she implied to Kaz in vague descriptions to make Kaz wonder if she was sexually abused by him, the other parts of the relationship she had revealed about her father were true. She was honest about that even if she was manipulating Kaz for her own benefit.

Joan had come to care about the woman in her own way, despite using her. There was something very protective and loyal about her, even if she was a bit of a toothless tiger. She was not afraid to hurt men, but hurting women was unacceptable for Kaz. Joan took advantage of this knowing that Kaz would protect her in the prison. Kaz had taken care of her after she was raped and had comforted her. She knew then that she had her protection, but she was surprised by the amount of compassion Kaz displayed towards her when she barely knew her.

Joan wasn't used to being held by someone else. She held Jianna when she was alive, and sometimes they kissed and touched, but she wasn't used to receiving affection from others. She sat on Kaz's bed as Kaz laid down on her side and listened to her speak. 

“I loved him. In spite of what he did,” Kaz said softly.

Joan furrowed her eyebrows. She understood the complications of loving an abusive parent. Giving comfort did not come easily to her as she so rarely received it from others. She thought back to when Jianna had put her head in her lap all those years ago and she lifted her hand to slowly and gently stroke Kaz's hair. Kaz started to cry and she slowly stilled her hand on her head, ever so slightly stroking it.

“Does that make me fucked up? Or perverse? Or just a total fuckin' hypocrite?” Kaz asked as she took in a shuddering breath, her body starting to tremble. 

She had tears in her eyes and Joan knew that this would bring her and Kaz closer, just like she had planned, but in this moment she knew that Kaz needed someone to be there for her. She needed to not feel alone in her grief. Joan understood how this worked intellectually more than anything. But there was a part of her that felt something despite the numbness around her heart. Joan remembered her own feelings about her father, and she had to let go of the tight bands around her heart for this because this was something that deeply resonated with her.

“No. It's possible to love and hate at the same time,” she said softly as Kaz began to sob, her body shaking.

Joan stroked her hair and brought her head close to Kaz, almost touching and she wasn't sure what to do. Should she kiss Kaz's forehead? Would Kaz hug her? She didn't have to think about it for long before Kaz grabbed her arms, holding her tightly as she cried. Joan brought her arms around her back.

“I'll never leave you,” Joan whispered.

Kaz cried and clutched at her arms and the teal sweatshirt. Joan held her tightly. She helped maneuver her on her back and moved behind Kaz, holding her. She wrapped her arms around Kaz's stomach as Kaz's back pressed against her breasts. She hadn't done this since Jianna. This was oddly comforting to her as well to hold her against her. Kaz sobbed and trembled in her arms. 

“Shh... it's all right, Kaz,” she said gently.

Kaz turned to face her and wrapped her arms around her back, and Joan rested her chin on her head. She could feel Kaz's tears and trembling lips against her neck. She took out the hair band from Kaz's hair and ran her fingers through it.

“I've had so many horrible things happen to me. I can't ever trust men because of him. But I loved him so much. I hate that I love him. I hate what he's done to me,” Kaz said as she cried. 

Joan gently stroked her hair as she held her. She was doing this to make sure Kaz trusted her, not any other reason. At least she kept trying to tell herself that. Feeling empathy made her weak, but she couldn't control how she felt as she held Kaz and stroked her soft hair. Kaz's arms were around her and she felt her heart begin to thaw. She wasn't heartless but this environment required her to be in order to survive. She wasn't trying to survive now in this moment. All she was doing was providing comfort for an ally... a friend. 

Joan didn't make friends easily. She thought of when she said that to Vera and how she had left her at their dinner. She was angry at Vera for everything that had happened, but most of all she was hurt. Vera hurt her so much. She had once imagined what it could have been like at dinner that night. What friendship they could have had. Could they have had more than friendship? She wished they had more opportunity even though Vera left her that night. She wanted to hurt Vera in the same way Vera had hurt her. She wouldn't leave Kaz now. She knew what it was like to feel rejected, to feel alone. 

“I know what it's like to love and hate. I know what it's like to feel both at the same time. It makes you sick with such conflicted feelings and it's never black and white. You're a good person, Kaz. You've helped a lot of the women. You've saved them from violence. That's something Bea Smith hasn't done. You've done more for them than she has,” Joan said softly.

Kaz sniffled and looked into her eyes and Joan stiffened as she kissed her lips. Joan was still and didn't kiss her back, surprised by what she did. She wasn't expecting that. She had imagined kissing Vera and even Doreen, but not Kaz. She wasn't Vera, Jianna, or Doreen. She saw Kaz's eyes were filled with tears and she stared back as her lips trembled. 

“I don't know why I did that. I'm not a lesbian,” Kaz said and she looked embarrassed. 

Kaz began to move away from her and Joan knew that if she didn't do something now, things might never be the same between them and she might lose this opportunity. She grabbed Kaz and pulled her closer.

“It doesn't matter if you're a lesbian or not. You wanted to do it, to kiss me. I haven't been kissed by a woman in a very long time,” Joan said quietly.

“So you're--”

“I prefer women over men. I also haven't had the best experiences with men in my life,” Joan said quietly. 

Joan thought of her father and knew in some way he had damaged her, but he still made her stronger. She then had darker thoughts of the psychiatrist at the psychiatric hospital. She frowned as she remembered that time. He had done the worst thing he could do to her, to any patient. She could relate to this cause that Kaz led to protect women from being victimized by men.

Kaz nodded. “I've never been with a woman before,” she whispered.

“We don't have to do anything. We can just lie here together,” Joan whispered back. Truth be told she wasn't sure she was ready for anything more even if she was curious about what it would be like. Kaz was attractive even if she wasn't exactly her type. Joan was still human though, and she felt her body respond to her as she held her, feeling Kaz's breasts press against hers. 

Joan looked into Kaz's big blue eyes. She felt Kaz lift her hand hesitantly and stroke her hair. She closed her eyes at the touch. Kaz's fingers slowly ran through her hair. She remembered Kaz doing this when she was too weak and in pain after her rape.

“I'm so sorry for what's happened to you, Joan,” she said softly and teared up again.

Joan's eyes softened at this. “I know. I appreciate all you've done for me.” She decided it was time to take a risk. She leaned forward and kissed Kaz softly and felt Kaz move her lips under hers. They were careful and hesitant kisses. She could tell Kaz was unsure and she was a little unsure herself. Kaz moved her hands under her sweatshirt and Joan tensed against her.

“May I? I won't hurt you, I promise," Kaz said.

Joan nodded and let her take off her sweatshirt, leaving the white t-shirt on. She took off Kaz's hoodie and held her closer. She shivered when she felt Kaz move her hands under her shirt against her bare skin. Kaz's hands were soft and warm and she kissed her again, this time more firmly. Kaz started to take more control of their kiss and she felt her tongue against her lips and Joan opened her mouth more. Kaz's tongue brushed and rolled under hers and Joan began to kiss her more passionately. She moved her hand under Kaz's shirt and touched her stomach, hesitant to do more than that. She felt Kaz grab her hand and place it over her breast. She squeezed it and opened her legs as she felt Kaz move between them, pressing Joan's back against the bed. Joan didn't like the idea of not being in control here, but she knew she needed to let Kaz be the one taking the lead.

Kaz kissed her lips and then her neck. She took in these passionate and tender kisses against her lips and throat. She caressed Kaz under her shirt and moaned softly as Kaz pressed her knee between her legs. She didn't want more than kissing. She didn't trust Kaz that much to let her do more with her, but feeling Kaz's knee between her legs made her respond almost against her will as she started to grind against her.

“What do you want?” Kaz asked softly.

Joan kept trying to stop her hips from rocking against Kaz's thigh but her body was in control here. She couldn't resist how good it felt to feel that rubbing pressure between her legs and she knew she was becoming wet.

“Just keep doing this,” Joan said as she panted.

Kaz smiled at her as they kept kissing. Joan lifted her thigh and pressed it between Kaz's legs and she felt the woman start to rock and grind against her. She never thought this was how this visit would end up going. 

“Your skin is so soft and your hair is so beautiful. You're beautiful,” Kaz said softly as she kissed her.

Joan had never been told this before. That couldn't be true. 

“Don't say that,” Joan said quietly as Kaz kissed her neck.

“Why?”

“Because it's not true.”

Kaz slowly and gently took off Joan's pants and her own, leaving on their shirts. Joan felt more vulnerable if she was completely naked and she was glad Kaz stopped there. Kaz pressed her knee between her legs again and rubbed firmly. 

“It's true. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing this with you. There's something about you. I don't know what it is, but you make it easy to want to do this, to want you,” Kaz whispered against her lips and kissed her deeply.

Joan moaned into her mouth as they moved against each other. They both rocked and rolled their hips harder and faster and Joan wondered if she was about to experience an orgasm this way. She had only had orgasms when she touched herself and this was rare. She felt her time was better spent doing other things, but she did on occasion allow herself to lose control in the privacy of her own home. Losing control now with someone else was almost frightening. She didn't know Kaz and trusting her to lose control in that way was very difficult to do.

Joan could feel tension in her body. Her legs were trembling and she knew she was close. She tried hard to hold it back. She didn't want to become undone like this, not in front of Kaz. Joan rubbed her knee harder against her. Once Kaz came then she could leave soon after. If she satisfied the woman she knew she'd have her trust and friendship, and whatever else was going on between them now.

She couldn't hold back a moan as Kaz's knee rubbed her clit and she dug her nails into Kaz's back. The woman was sucking her neck and biting gently. Joan panted, uncomfortable with how well her body was responding to Kaz, even though it felt so good.

“Let go,” Kaz whispered against her throat. “You're safe with me. Let go,” Kaz said and kissed her lips.

Joan kissed her back and she whimpered into her mouth as she felt Kaz's fingers reach inside her underwear and gently circle her clit. She pressed into her hand, knowing this would be her undoing as Kaz kept circling her clit, touching her slowly and deliberately.

She tensed and shook under her as she came, her thighs squeezing Kaz's hand. Kaz moaned softly into her mouth and Joan panted, her body trembling. She felt like she couldn't breathe as Kaz kept kissing her, still gently stroking her clit before her hand reached up and caressed Joan's cheek.

Joan felt her wet fingers touch her cheek, gently touching her face and lips with her fingertips and Joan kept her eyes closed at this new found intimacy between them. Kaz kissed her face and Joan opened her eyes at the tenderness. Kaz kissed her again and when they broke their kiss they stared into each other's eyes. They didn't say anything for a few minutes and Kaz gently stroked her hair.

Joan blinked and rested her hand on Kaz's hip, caressing the skin. Kaz smiled gently at her and she took Joan's hand in hers. Joan gave a small smile back.

“Are you okay?” Kaz asked quietly.

“Y-yes, I'm okay. I just didn't expect that.”

“I didn't either... did you like it?” Kaz asked a little worried.

Joan smiled a little more. “I did. I hope you did too...”

Kaz squeezed her hand and smiled. “It was very good.”

Joan let Kaz stroke her hair as they held hands in bed together. She felt a little confused as to what was happening between them. Surely she had accomplished gaining her trust, but this now meant more than that.

“What does this mean?” Joan asked quietly.

Kaz furrowed her eyebrows and appeared to be thinking about it.

“It doesn't have to mean anything. We're friends, and if that's all we'll remain, that's fine. I don't even quite know what it means myself. But what I do know, is that if you'd want to do this again, I wouldn't be against it,” Kaz said and smiled a little playfully.

Joan considered her options and smiled slowly. “We are friends, and I think if we wanted to be more than friends sometimes, that would be a mutual benefit for both of us.”

Kaz laughed lightly and kissed her.

**Author's Note:**

> So I feel entirely out of my element writing for Joan and Kaz. I only did it as a request for my friend Amy on FB. I do hope it was good enough for her or anyone else that ships Jaz. I'm definitely a FreakyTits shipper all the way, but I had commented on FB saying that if Joan wasn't with Vera that I could see her with Kaz because I've always thought both actresses had great chemistry. So hope you enjoyed it. And even people who don't always ship Jaz, I hope you like it too. :)


End file.
